Saturday, 2 August 2008

Sometimes it's hard

I can't believe it has been 3 months since my last post, I would love to say that I have been off having a fabby time, that I have created lots of fascinating new designs and that everything is peachy. But....it hasn't quite been like that.

I don't even remember where May went, so I won't try to make excuses for not blogging, I will just say sorry.

June however was a different matter. Early on in the month it became apparent that mum was unwell. Nothing specific just a lack of spark, conversations were shorter on the phone and the usual enthusiasm for her month in Scotland when she would see "her boys " wasn't there. There were lots of Doctors appointments, which were tiring for both mum and dad, and something was just not right.

Mid month, when I rang on spec one Thursday, dad admitted she was unwell. I rang every day to see what was happening and the story was just the same. By the Monday when I rang dad was out and suddenly the flood gates opened. She felt terrible, she didn't want to worry dad, and swore me to secrecy, but cried for a whole 10 minutes on the phone. This was so out of character for mum that I had to go home from work because I was in pieces.

5 o'clock the next day I was on the train home. Last 2 weeks of school for the boys, missing the end of term plays etc but I just had to go. On the Tuesday evening she chatted away more than she has done for years, by Wednesday at 7 we had lost her.

God it's hard. We fought like cat and dog, never agreed on anything, but I really miss her. Inspite of the rows and stuff we always knew we loved eachother, we were just from different generations, I am an only child and mum was 40 when she had me, a big gap in ages. We were never really close like some folk who talk daily or go shopping, infact I was always a daddy's girl, everytime she asked me a question I would snap back like a moody teenager, even when I was in my 40s, but I suppose that was just the way we were meant to be.

So now we have dad up living with us, he has been a bit unwell since he arrived but I think is a culmination of shock and such a huge change. Although, like most married couples the argued, they loved eachother and a big partof him is missing. Hopefully we can help to fill the gap for him, and look after him like he deserves.

I have been crafting over the last few weeks, just to keep my sanity. I am back at work, well I have been back and I am about to have my summer holidays. But inspite of everything that has happened I feel really lucky. I have folk around me who love me, I am healthy, I have a job, I have my dad here beside me, and mum is where she always wanted to be, in St Ives the only home she ever wanted.

For some reason I have also been compelled to have a big clear out of all my "stuff". Maybe it is part of the healing process, who cares! The Salvation Army bank is now bulging with my old clothes, I have space in my wardrobe and someone else will hopefully get some new bits and pieces out of it. Oh and I have planted potatoes........;-} Funny what you feel compelled to do in a crisis!!!!


Oh and here is the finished Craft item that has kept me going through tears and tantrums over the last few weeks. Let me know what you think.